The past days, my emotions are in a great turmoil. It does not show, but every time I get to be alone and silent, during public transpo, in the shower, before sleeping, it kicks right back in. I could say it was somewhat of a reality check for me. And I have been weighing on my ultimate dreams. And I guess I just found my sense of practicality.
It haunts me to the guts that my priorities have changed (?)
I been thinking, can I really get New York? People who I thought would be supportive of my dreams are the ones who have been “very helpful” in building up my hype. And my sense of practicality is somewhat not on my side. But screw it, this dream is what fuels me to live, to wake up everyday and face the bitch we have all been accustomed to– LIFE, and to do good in my final year in college.
At the end of this day, my preconscious has reminded me to keep my eyes on the prize. And it was just this morning, when I was half-awake and half-asleep when I changed my desktop background from a Superman wallpaper to a New York skyline wallpaper. This would keep me reminded what am I living for. I use the computer all the time, the wallpaper will remind me all the time.
Everytime I look at the picture, I get swallowed into oblivion, Let’s face it, this big city would really intimidate you. It would take everything that you have to survive this city. That is my challenge! Prove everyone I am capable. Prove everyone New York is where I’ll find that place called HOME.
Just when everything is falling into place…
I now feel so barren and empty inside. Something is missing, I know. I have found my niche and I’m still adjusting. I can understand the decision you made, but you don’t have to sugar coat it. I know we’re over, plain and simple. Don’t give me the time and space crap.
Yeah, we’re not a match for very obvious reasons. You got intimidated, and I’m sorry if I am busy being a student and an employee and I can’t spend time with you anymore.
You doing this to me is so untimely, really. Of all people, I thought you’d understand. I was really wrong.
Funny how a quick nap made me realize what you really meant. I was such a fool for believing we had a future ahead of us.
At least you made me realize that my New York dream is very important. And you’re very far from that dream, you’re just temporary!
You know, as they say.. the brain seeks closure. this is my closure. we’re done! Now you’re just somebody that I used to know.
This also proves one more thing.. I CAN’T DO HEARTS AND FLOWERS.
Posted from WordPress for Android
Its 2:30 in the morning. I’m supposedly sound asleep by now as I have a 7:30am class later today. And btw, I just got home from work. And by this time I should have been dozing off but some things are bugging me– the reason I’m creating this post to shut off my brain and let me doze to sleep. And while our wifi is down, I’m creating this draft for me to edit and publish later. Ok, so here I go:
SP. Yes! It’s my course’s equivalent to undergraduate thesis. And I have been undergoing a massive brainstorming for a topic. I have recently thought of a new idea, which I have not consulted with my adviser yet. And hopefully it gets approved since it’s quite interesting in my opinion.
STS. Ugh, I know my body’s gonna catch up on this stolen sleep time on this subject’s schedule (the most interesting and very much worth listening). And may I remind you that I am very much fluent in sarcasm. And why is it that this subject is strategically scheduled on a typical siesta time? Ugh, my gully!
Machine Problem. I’m not much bugged about this as I know I can find a way for this, but hey! It just suddenly popped into mind.
Programming Varsity. Yeah, I just got myself into a geeky, nerdy, call-it-whatever-you-want team of brilliant and machine thinking varsity team. I know I’ve gotta catch up on my solving skills as Google can’t help me on this one.
Work. Yeah, I basically got layed off, but not terminated. but the way I see it, we’re off the team. I’m bittersweet about it, but more on the sweet. I’ll miss the challenge of the semi-managerial position but hooray to ridding the pressure it brings. I’m genuinely fine with the new terms our boss has presented us.
Android Tablet. I’ve been planning to buy one this coming August. But after being
layed off demoted, I think it would be delayed.
There! I hope my thoughts are all out. I hope can sleep now. I still have to wake up at 5:30am, the latest if I dont wanna be tardy in class AGAIN!
//final edits and revisions at 6:22am. And yes I was able to sleep after this, woke up on time and posted this via Intersect (my droid)
I finally installed WordPress on my Intersect (the name I call my Android phone).
I feel so giddy about it! I can now flush all those thoughts and emotions that are over my threshold. This as well could help me blog about stuffs when I’m too lazy and/or busy with other things.
Yeah, this post is really shallow but who cares. This blog is for me, and not my intention to drive traffic to this portal.
Anyways, good morning ^^
It took me a blackout to realize why I really am single. And it will take me a lot of time and courage to organize my thoughts into this one post. So if I end up writing gibberish, boohoo. But who cares.
Why am I still single? Is it because I’m such a good student I’m not letting any woman interfere with my education? Or is it because I’m challenging myself to find that someone in the city of my dreams, New York? Or I’m just immature to carry on a relationship?
That’s when I realized I’m an emotional wreck, I’m afraid to commit, I’m afraid of the future. I am a total mess. I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I were in a relationship. And seriously, typing out the r-word makes my fingers go jelly.
Love is out of the equation. I don’t even know if I am capable to do so. And again, my fingers went jelly on that L-word. Seriously. Now my hands are cold.
I do like someone, I could ask her out on a date, I just did. But what do I want from her, a relationship? I don’t know. I’m scared. I am iffy about this matter.
Where is a shrink when you needed one? They know what to do in any situation. Now my brain is empty and running out of words to say, but I know that my thoughts and worries are right there, not wanting to be exposed as they are as afraid as I am.
Behind this goofy and apathetic facade I had maintained for a couple of years now, I’m still a futile and frightened kid waiting for someone to shed some light and guide me out of life’s misery.