It took me a blackout to realize why I really am single. And it will take me a lot of time and courage to organize my thoughts into this one post. So if I end up writing gibberish, boohoo. But who cares.
Why am I still single? Is it because I’m such a good student I’m not letting any woman interfere with my education? Or is it because I’m challenging myself to find that someone in the city of my dreams, New York? Or I’m just immature to carry on a relationship?
That’s when I realized I’m an emotional wreck, I’m afraid to commit, I’m afraid of the future. I am a total mess. I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I were in a relationship. And seriously, typing out the r-word makes my fingers go jelly.
Love is out of the equation. I don’t even know if I am capable to do so. And again, my fingers went jelly on that L-word. Seriously. Now my hands are cold.
I do like someone, I could ask her out on a date, I just did. But what do I want from her, a relationship? I don’t know. I’m scared. I am iffy about this matter.
Where is a shrink when you needed one? They know what to do in any situation. Now my brain is empty and running out of words to say, but I know that my thoughts and worries are right there, not wanting to be exposed as they are as afraid as I am.
Behind this goofy and apathetic facade I had maintained for a couple of years now, I’m still a futile and frightened kid waiting for someone to shed some light and guide me out of life’s misery.