LOVE: Because I don’t talk about it that much

LOVE.

I never expected  that I would end up writing something about love in this blog. Heck, I couldn’t even feel at ease typing out the letters to spell the word. But whatever, let see how this goes.

For starters, I just think being in love is so clingy, needy, intimate and blehk. It makes you do things, say words, dream hopelessly about things you won’t ever do when you are in your right mind. It is a drug that alters the way you normally live your life. It is dangerous. It is troublesome. It is not even logical at all.

I have seen the crazy things people do for the sake of the L-word. By crazy I mean re-adjusting your crazy scale because it is over the top. I have seen people get hurt for giving in too much, for missing a lot, for what else things love demands. Oh wait, am I describing a follower, a help or a servant maybe? Pardon that.

But who am I to say all these? From an observer’s point of view, it is what it is. And to be really honest, I am horrified of the day I will take back all I’m posting in here. Because if the L-word is there, commitment will follow, then more responsibilities. And to top everything off, I’m perfectly good at screwing all those things up. So avoid as much as possible.

But one thing I know is for sure, it is not the drug I want to mess with. I’ll take it moderately.

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I’m just the curbside prophet and I can’t say the L-word.

A little bit more of Innocence

Here’s another “what if” in life.. what if I did not lose my innocence at a very young age?

I was trying to recall how I broke that sense of innocence when I was years younger, but to no avail I can’t remember when or how. But anyways, that question of “what if” suddenly came between my state of oblivion. Yeah, what if?

I think I would have been a better man than I am now. I would have been someone people will like because of his character and principles. I would have been someone I would call “ignorant”. I would have been an opposite of who I am now.

My life is nothing compared to Jason Mraz, but somehow I could connect to his song, Love for a Child. My parents are together, not divorced. During my childhood, they cared (too much) about my studies. I’ve had pretty good Christmases and birthdays. But we both are needing that cup of innocence filled up because we were both ignored, but in very different ways.

I know I’m not ignored per se, but I know deep within me that I am ignored, avoided, and scarred. And that innocence is that magical drug that will make everything okay. And that being someone who I am  not is basically what I need to make me feel fine. And that being an innocent one will change life the way it should be. And that I will be in a better position than I am in right now.

I am working on it– that is to have a better bitter-less life than what I currently have. I am working on rebuilding those broken bits of glass I call myself. I am hopeful that someday, everything’s coming up roses for me. I am hopeful that I would get enough courage to take in that cupful of innocence to make things better.

But who am I kidding? I’m far too old to care about that now.

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I’m the curbside prophet and what a fool I’d be to start complaining now.

That 14 Year Old Kid

So I just turned a year older. One year closer to being an independent by law. That should at least cheer me up.

When I was younger, as in waaay younger, I always looked forward to birthdays and celebrations. Maybe because the thought of “growing up” seemed cool back then. And when it is your birthday, people seem to be more patient around you, and you USUALLY get what you want. Just because it is your birthday.

Well the tides have turned, because this year I was terrified to turn a year older. The thought of growing older gives you more responsibilities to take. More commitments to do. More social norms to follow. More this and that. I’m not at all ready to take on all of those.

In the age I was days ago, I was a total screw up. I was that person who looked fine from the outside but blown into a gazillion fcked up bits on the inside. I was not good with responsibilities, commitments, relationships, courtesies and all those shit people expect from a 19-year old to be. To me, I was just a 14 year old kid trying to look for his niche in this world, of course  minus the innocence (if you know what I mean).

Today, I’m still that 14 year old kid hoping the world is a better place to live. Hoping that responsibilities and commitments are not too overwhelming for him to carry on. That dreams are very much reachable and will come into fruition. And even crazy dreams will come true. But reality just slaps you right back to where you belong. Ow.

This morning, a friend asked me how is being 20 like. I said “LAZY”. Things have not changed, at least for me. I’m still the same person. But for sure, things are relatively different to other people. More is expected from me. That is, to graduate on time with high honors, get a job, live a life, find a girlfriend and eventually settle down, have kids, and the same cycle goes on for my kids.

But I know I’m more than that. I’m sick and tired to live life in a pattern everyone recognizes.

In this coming of age, I promise to take on life in a different perspective. Be less bitter. Be less “hateful”. At least, be more “responsible”. Still not sure about commitments. Who knows, things will be better for that 14 year old kid.

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I’m just a curbside prophet, and I’m really hopeful my rocket will come.

Cough Syrup

Because life’s too short to even care at all.

Today I woke up to humming this song because yet again, and as it always has recurred in this blog– LIFE SUCKS. And day by day, my long list of reasons why life sucks has gone longer. And every time I start to spiral downwards and have tantrums, in the form of self-destructive and chaotic mental breakdown, this song and two others are on the top of my playlist. At least for now, I know that I am currently in a downward spiral for a couple of weeks already that I have been accustomed to it, and not getting tantrums anymore.

I have always seen myself play this song in loop while I commit suicide long before Glee made it happen. It’s just that.. every time I hear this song play, I get that morbid feel that it is just sickening and horrible and ugh. At least that is how I made of it since I heard the song years years ago. Until they came along– the ones with radiant auras.

Because if you listen to the song carefully, you would know that the guy is actually hopeful that the cough syrup will make things in his life better. That the cough syrup will magically cure life’s bitterness. That eventually he’ll be okay.

So I’m gonna be taking the same cough syrup because I, also am tired of how life works, and how life should be better than I thought it would be. It will take time. I have gone into a deeper darker place, and I’ll be waiting for my cough syrup to come down

And so I run now to the things they said could restore me, restore life the way it should be. I’m waiting for this cough syrup to come down.

One more spoon of cough syrup now.

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I’m just the curbside prophet, and I’m waiting for this cough syrup to come down.

p.s.

Thank you friends, dearly for the symbolic gift you gave me!

Cough Syrup!

I’m Done

Life is unfair for all of us. And every now and then, a handful of people bitch about it. As I do, I whine like a spoiled brat. This one’s no different. Here’s another foul shout out to life: YOU SUCK!

Why do I constantly blame life for the mishaps and shit that come my way when in fact I know I am the one living in my choices and their consequences? I’m done. I’m really tired of the charades I’m playing. I can’t fool myself anymore thinking that everyday is another chance for me to make it right. It’s never was okay.

Being spontaneous? I’m done. Being fun-loving and outgoing? I’m done. Being optimistic that somehow ‘pbbt’ will eventually come and somehow change my perspectives? I’m done. Being so trusting with the people I surround myself with just to make myself vulnerable? I’m done.

They say, you gotta roll with the punches. But heck, why would I do that when I can just avoid the punches. Coward you say? At least I’m somewhere on another corner feeling bad about myself, but at least I am safe. Maybe it really is time to dissociate myself from the iconic Man of Steel. I’m nothing like that guy, we don’t even have something in common. He’s the good guy, I’m not. He’s the hero everyone looks up to, I’m not. All I am is ambitious.

I say to myself, “You were right all along. You’re better off alone”. Being out there is scary. People think they know you but they don’t. Damn I made sure to build this walls around me so no people can break my wall and me down. The worst things in life come free to us. One of the worsts.

I’m done with all the shit life is bringing. I’m done with all these shenanigans. I’m sooo fed up.

Guess what, I’m gonna be decisive now. I’m gonna be darker now. I’m gonna kill it this time. Because I know, I’m just..

 

..a hopeless case.

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I’m just a curbside prophet, and I’m done. I’m getting my rocket!

 

February Magic

The early bird catches the worm.

The other birds sleep in, eat a nice brunch

and laugh at the insomniac, worm-eating fool.

(from Twitter)

Heading home this early in the morning is not new to me. But at least this time, I had legitimate reasons. Yes, I wasn’t out partying last night. Riding a motorcycle home with the cold morning air gush all its glory on my too tired body made me recall how I have hastily wasted an entire month doing practically nothing to ensure that I walk on stage this coming April. I, too, am pretty worried about thesis and crap. And January was not the month I call productive.

As the motorcycle hurriedly zooms in the highways, you could smell that distinctive sharp shampoo smell coming from freshly bathed people who are ready to go to work at freakin’ five in the morning. Wow! They must be THAT dedicated for their jobs, high paying or not, they muster up all their efforts to get to work everyday. Industrious as they are, I am the complete opposite. I have been promising myself and anyone who asks about my thesis that I will get to it ASAP. But I just end up slacking. That’s how it is. Reality bitch slaps you in ways you can’t imagine, just like the dust particles that are hitting me straight in the face. Pretty much a big bummer.

Come the first of February. That metaphorical first day. Not too late to say this is, yet again, another promise at saying I will be doing my thesis. But this time I will append, “for real and faithfully”. If ever you see me somewhere and you happen to ask about how my thesis is doing, please kick me in the nuts if I say “no progress”. This is not a promise anymore, but an order.

I know I’ve got what it takes get over this obstacle. I may not be the early bird who does and gets his thing, at least I know that I am one of the other birds who will be enjoying a nice feast later on. I WILL BE GRADUATING AT THE END OF THIS SEMESTER. And hopefully, graduate as an honor student and a great assuring pat in the back.

I’ve got the magic in me!

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I’m still the curbside prophet and I will graduate April of this year!