So I just turned a year older. One year closer to being an independent by law. That should at least cheer me up.
When I was younger, as in waaay younger, I always looked forward to birthdays and celebrations. Maybe because the thought of “growing up” seemed cool back then. And when it is your birthday, people seem to be more patient around you, and you USUALLY get what you want. Just because it is your birthday.
Well the tides have turned, because this year I was terrified to turn a year older. The thought of growing older gives you more responsibilities to take. More commitments to do. More social norms to follow. More this and that. I’m not at all ready to take on all of those.
In the age I was days ago, I was a total screw up. I was that person who looked fine from the outside but blown into a gazillion fcked up bits on the inside. I was not good with responsibilities, commitments, relationships, courtesies and all those shit people expect from a 19-year old to be. To me, I was just a 14 year old kid trying to look for his niche in this world, of course minus the innocence (if you know what I mean).
Today, I’m still that 14 year old kid hoping the world is a better place to live. Hoping that responsibilities and commitments are not too overwhelming for him to carry on. That dreams are very much reachable and will come into fruition. And even crazy dreams will come true. But reality just slaps you right back to where you belong. Ow.
This morning, a friend asked me how is being 20 like. I said “LAZY”. Things have not changed, at least for me. I’m still the same person. But for sure, things are relatively different to other people. More is expected from me. That is, to graduate on time with high honors, get a job, live a life, find a girlfriend and eventually settle down, have kids, and the same cycle goes on for my kids.
But I know I’m more than that. I’m sick and tired to live life in a pattern everyone recognizes.
In this coming of age, I promise to take on life in a different perspective. Be less bitter. Be less “hateful”. At least, be more “responsible”. Still not sure about commitments. Who knows, things will be better for that 14 year old kid.
I’m just a curbside prophet, and I’m really hopeful my rocket will come.