What am I doing with my life?

FOREWORD: This isn’t gloating. This is yet again, another senseless blabbering.

Around a week ago I was sleep deprived, yet I was just in bed trying to get myself to sleep. I forced my eyes closed, yet my thoughts wandered around my infinite pool of thoughts. I was forcing myself to slumber because I had to get up early for freakin’ Monday because it would be my first day at work.

I really could not make out what I felt during those times, but I’m pretty damn sure I wasn’t excited. Contrary to common belief, I was never that person who chose to be a CS Major because he loved it. It was because of some circumstance I still have not gotten over with because up until now, it is still ‘bugging’ me. (Nice pun)

And while I was just able to adjust to all the geeky computer stuff in college, I wasn’t sure I was ready to do it for the rest of my life. Heck, it is too far fetched from my New York dreams. I’m terrified that along the way I might lose focus and get side tracked somewhere (ehem, Japan). But what can I do, I already signed up and there’s no other way out but death. And no, it aint an option.

It was Tuesday, 9am when I was deep inside my thoughts and I could hear myself whisper I just wanna go home and sleep. Go home and sleep. I honestly considered storming off the building and never coming back again, but I wasn’t able to muster enough courage to do so. Of all the things that I did, despite not enjoying what I did, I was still able to cope well. Not this time. It’s truly terrifying to know that for quite a long time in the near future, I will be doing the same stuff I was doing that day. Clearly, I don’t wanna do things that won’t make me happy anymore. I’m done with the charades, no more games. I’m exhausted in all aspects, especially physically.

I have survived a week of freakin’ Nihonggo and other stuff.  I have no idea how I did that. And also, I have learned and understood the real meaning of TGIF. Friday really is a savior in all the right ways.

I still have 15 more weeks of training, and a lot more months until the initial contract expires. This thing is I guess, more intense than Survivor and Big Brother combined. Not only does it break you down, you have to dress up like a monkey. Slacks, and collars and ties– those stuff. I look like a real human in those garments @_@, which is sooo not me.

I’m not sure I wanna do this commitment of at least two years just yet. I’m still the coward; the coward who’s lost and doesn’t know what he wants. At least the coward knows what he doesn’t want, or something like that.

But after all this, I just wish for my self to find a little room of happiness with whatever I got myself into now. Success is not important if it doesn’t make you happy. (Meh, I just want the money.) Oh wait, I can make myself happy..in a way.

###

I’m just a curbside prophet in an office attire.

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