2013 is the year of the cliche: a roller coaster ride. I’ve reached my peak of both highest of highs and lowest of lows just this year. Looking back to the year that was, I now have been a slightly different person than who I was when the year begun. I was that dark gloomy cloud of storm that made of 100% BS just lurking around the corning prowling for others who are as miserable or worse than me. Now, I’m still a dark cloud (more gray) that still hangs in the corner but more hopeful that there would be sunny days and bright days ahead, and trying his best to pretend he’s not a dark orb of energy sucking away the remaining good in this earth. Continue reading
Some couples months ago, I would be home by around this hour, or maybe even later (or earlier in the morning) from a Friday night out. I’d be dead tired and half-sober and half drunk, contented and satisfied. Those were the days. Continue reading
Now remind yourself that, Clark. Remind yourself that you are at work and not supposed to be blogging.
I would always be that person who has a hard time connecting and building relationships with people because I am the not the nicest person you’ll meet. And yes, I won’t make much effort to be likable.
I don’t know if I’m stupid or a special kind of stupid to be expecting to find friends in here. YOU ARE AT WORK, FOR FUCK’S SAKE, you’re not in a summer camp expecting to gain a dozen of potential friends. Get of this site and work your ass off.
Friends don’t judge you and they take you as you are. The people you meet in the office are called colleagues for a reason.
I’m the curbside prophet and I have no choice but to suck it.
“Time heals all wounds.”
What a stupid lie. That’s totally absurd. If time heals all wounds, how come I’m already 20 yet I’m still the same wounded ass who’s too shallow and insensitive. As if I have the right to complain, fuck me right? Continue reading
It’s me, and I’m not that fly in the wall anymore (at least), but still I believe this is not what I’m destined to be and this is also not the kind of job I wanna have in the long run. I somehow found my niche; I’m quite comfortable and now I’ve gotten used to working everyday around these people in this mundane room, and on this very computer. Yeah, still the wrong wall. Continue reading
My entire life is built on a shadow cast back when I was younger; that I am this and that. My parents are academic achievers, so should I. They were responsible at a very young age, so should I. I was overshadowed by all their frustrations that they want me to be what they wanted to be back when they were younger. All of my life, I’ve been living with this shadow overhead. Continue reading
FOREWORD: This isn’t gloating. This is yet again, another senseless blabbering.
Around a week ago I was sleep deprived, yet I was just in bed trying to get myself to sleep. I forced my eyes closed, yet my thoughts wandered around my infinite pool of thoughts. I was forcing myself to slumber because I had to get up early for freakin’ Monday because it would be my first day at work. Continue reading
Today was definitely not one of my days.
I started the day with a mild hangover. Did a quick fix and I thought I was gonna be okay for the rest of the day. At least that’s what I thought. I checked my phone for whatever shenanigans I pulled the night before. Apologized for being too clingy to someone and deleted a tweet that was way out of line. And I did not expect that all those things will come and bite me back in my ass later this day.
All through out the day that tweet placed in the most awkward situations equivalent to another man’s life’s worth of awkwardness. People were not supposed to read that. It was the alcohol tweeting. Heck, it was still me. The alcohol gave me enough courage to hit the send button. I didn’t even care what repercussions would happen if I did that. Now what did it get me?
And the texts, oh yes. Friends have been too pun-ny about it. And yes, I did the “pretending I was not listening while I’m in the phone doing practically nothing acting like I did not hear a word they said” when they mention something about it. I’m just saying, those texts were overly sensationalized it shouldn’t even be a big deal. Drunk texts. Doh.
I was absolutely bothered the whole day. I never expected the repercussions to hit this hard. I just wanted to be someone else, fit into some strangers shoe and forget about the life I currently have. The awkwardness I felt was beyond boundaries. The worries I have that the story that is out there might be misinterpreted and things get awkward-er are worries that scream so much about uncertainties.
Listen kids, alcohol does give you enough courage to do the things you can’t do when you are sober. It usually resolves things, but in my case it made things even more complicated. I have been very careful as how I interact with the people making sure that they won;t get a clue why I did what. And things like that.
But now that alcohol has allowed a couple of people privy of my real intentions, it gets tougher. Thinking of how I should act socially reminding myself to not let the situation be awkward not just for me, but for the people around me as well uses up more neurons. It’s tougher now.
I have caused so much chaos and confusion already, let alone more awkward situations. And yes, the excessive use of the word awkward in this post does not compare to how awkward I really feel right now. So let me just apologize to all the people that are also stuck in the awkward situation that I made, please let’s not talk about the elephant in the room and just go on with how life should be.
I’m just a curbside prophet, with my hands on my pocket, pretending I’m a different someone.
So I just turned a year older. One year closer to being an independent by law. That should at least cheer me up.
When I was younger, as in waaay younger, I always looked forward to birthdays and celebrations. Maybe because the thought of “growing up” seemed cool back then. And when it is your birthday, people seem to be more patient around you, and you USUALLY get what you want. Just because it is your birthday.
Well the tides have turned, because this year I was terrified to turn a year older. The thought of growing older gives you more responsibilities to take. More commitments to do. More social norms to follow. More this and that. I’m not at all ready to take on all of those.
In the age I was days ago, I was a total screw up. I was that person who looked fine from the outside but blown into a gazillion fcked up bits on the inside. I was not good with responsibilities, commitments, relationships, courtesies and all those shit people expect from a 19-year old to be. To me, I was just a 14 year old kid trying to look for his niche in this world, of course minus the innocence (if you know what I mean).
Today, I’m still that 14 year old kid hoping the world is a better place to live. Hoping that responsibilities and commitments are not too overwhelming for him to carry on. That dreams are very much reachable and will come into fruition. And even crazy dreams will come true. But reality just slaps you right back to where you belong. Ow.
This morning, a friend asked me how is being 20 like. I said “LAZY”. Things have not changed, at least for me. I’m still the same person. But for sure, things are relatively different to other people. More is expected from me. That is, to graduate on time with high honors, get a job, live a life, find a girlfriend and eventually settle down, have kids, and the same cycle goes on for my kids.
But I know I’m more than that. I’m sick and tired to live life in a pattern everyone recognizes.
In this coming of age, I promise to take on life in a different perspective. Be less bitter. Be less “hateful”. At least, be more “responsible”. Still not sure about commitments. Who knows, things will be better for that 14 year old kid.
I’m just a curbside prophet, and I’m really hopeful my rocket will come.
Life is unfair for all of us. And every now and then, a handful of people bitch about it. As I do, I whine like a spoiled brat. This one’s no different. Here’s another foul shout out to life: YOU SUCK!
Why do I constantly blame life for the mishaps and shit that come my way when in fact I know I am the one living in my choices and their consequences? I’m done. I’m really tired of the charades I’m playing. I can’t fool myself anymore thinking that everyday is another chance for me to make it right. It’s never was okay.
Being spontaneous? I’m done. Being fun-loving and outgoing? I’m done. Being optimistic that somehow ‘pbbt’ will eventually come and somehow change my perspectives? I’m done. Being so trusting with the people I surround myself with just to make myself vulnerable? I’m done.
They say, you gotta roll with the punches. But heck, why would I do that when I can just avoid the punches. Coward you say? At least I’m somewhere on another corner feeling bad about myself, but at least I am safe. Maybe it really is time to dissociate myself from the iconic Man of Steel. I’m nothing like that guy, we don’t even have something in common. He’s the good guy, I’m not. He’s the hero everyone looks up to, I’m not. All I am is ambitious.
I say to myself, “You were right all along. You’re better off alone”. Being out there is scary. People think they know you but they don’t. Damn I made sure to build this walls around me so no people can break my wall and me down. The worst things in life come free to us. One of the worsts.
I’m done with all the shit life is bringing. I’m done with all these shenanigans. I’m sooo fed up.
Guess what, I’m gonna be decisive now. I’m gonna be darker now. I’m gonna kill it this time. Because I know, I’m just..
..a hopeless case.
I’m just a curbside prophet, and I’m done. I’m getting my rocket!