What am I doing with my life?

FOREWORD: This isn’t gloating. This is yet again, another senseless blabbering.

Around a week ago I was sleep deprived, yet I was just in bed trying to get myself to sleep. I forced my eyes closed, yet my thoughts wandered around my infinite pool of thoughts. I was forcing myself to slumber because I had to get up early for freakin’ Monday because it would be my first day at work. Continue reading

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*Pats Self on the Back*

Sumablay rin ako.

Sumablay rin ako.

I have not seen the official list yet, but here I am doing what I do best– getting ahead of anything that’s about to happen. Here’s the news: I AM FINALLY GRADUATING COLLEGE THIS MONTH!

Looking back to the four years I’ve had in college, I initially thought I was really gonna come out victorious. But what I did not expect was that victory would never come easy. Cliche as it maybe, being a UP student is like a stroll in the park– Jurassic Park. I had extreme highs and lows as a college student. I’ve had my fair share of sleepless nights, horrible professors, great parties, out of this world exams and all other average college students have experienced. But one thing’s for sure, I seriously don’t know how I survived college. With that, I give myself a pat on the back.

Who I was four years back is not the same person I am now. My university has changed the way I view things in perspective. At least that is something I will forever owe UP. If  my four-years-ago self would see me now, I’m not sure he would have expected me to be like this but I hope he would be happy and proud of who I am now as a person. So another pat on the back.

College is indeed a journey. You have your sights on your destination, there are different paths to take to get to your destination, and you meet people along the way. I never expected to have met people that were contributory factors to how I have shaped myself to be. In a way, yes they do define a part of me. I never expected to fit in the ‘Say Whaat?’ clique but hey here we are planning our after-college escapades and secret trips.  Not only was I able to gain new people on my pocket but I was also able to strengthen existing bonds that I already had. (Guys, brogs nya ta ha!) These people, both old and new, were there during the wear and tear of college pressure.

I couldn’t really distinguish if I was a good or bad student because I knew I was both. I never really bothered acing exams and getting good grades in college, but somehow at the end of every other semester I magically get oh-some grades. I knew I didn’t care about those grades but at the back of my head I also knew I had to be good better because of the pressures given to me as a STEC graduate, as the eldest child, or whatever kind of pressure because I am me. The roughest 3 decades (actually just 3 weeks) of my life is the last weeks of college where the SP paranoia kicked in. And in my defense, I had an unstable adviser so I could not really tell if I was graduating or not. My point is, people were somehow supportive and positive I would do just great in my SP, but little did they know that every “Go! Clark, kaya mo yan. IKAW PA.” comforting they do sucker punches my will to keep pushing. It’s too much pressure to take that I am me and I need to excel. How fortunate of them to just know where my limits lie?

Every time I look up to the frame hanging in the wall showing that slick and handsome *wink* picture of me in a sablay, I never succeed in hiding a little smile because I knew college was fun while it lasted. I have both enjoyed and hated college. I could still pick out crazy stories that happened within the four years of college, truly nostalgic. I will not miss college, I will miss the fun I had in college. Graduation is near. I’m not sure I feel happy, excited, anxious, scared, horrified of the thought of graduating but I know I will be marching that isle bringing all the memories and wisdom I learned from UP. Sawakas, sumablay rin ako!

And to all other Iskos and Iskas who will be graduating this semester, give yourself a pat on the back, we deserve this. And to those we left behind, still give yourself a pat on the back, okay ra na (loljk) for still putting up a fight because for sure sasablay rin kayo.

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I’m the curbside prophet and laters college!

I broke up with her…

Good riddance. 

It was August of last year when I officially met her. I was ecstatic, overjoyed and excited. We had a couple of dates here and there, calls and emails just to make sure we were on the right track. Truly, we were on the right track because we went steady.I was never good with relationships, and that was an impending sign that it was gonna end sooner rather than later.

February of this year I thought I wanted to be serious with this relationship. Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. And yes, I got what I thought I wanted. Shit just got serious, she got demanding as fck. She wanted me to stay up late for a lot of nights, even pull off an all-nighter. We frequently consulted our couples counselor because it works like that. Times got rough and I honestly was ready to give up. I almost gave up. I lost my life, she got a good grip at my life, even challenging the borders of my sanity. She was a cancer in my life. I hated her, I dunno if the feeling was mutual but I couldn’t take it anymore.  I know I had my faults, but damn girl, you are too demanding. You wanted me to be early but I had other stuff to attend to. Just because I was not able to meet your schedule, doesn’t mean you have to delay me too. I had to finish it, end it, get it done and over. And yet you still did. And today I did. We broke up.

Finally, I got out of this loveless relationship. Alive!

A lot of people call her “thesis”, but in my case, I call her “SP” (short for Special Problem). That is a Computer Science student’s equivalent to a thesis. I am happy I’m done with you. No more sleepless nights, no more worrying while I’m commuting. No more bullshit. I won’t miss you, but just so you know I’m proud of you, of us. But the relationship was too painful to reminisce. Now you’ll just be somebody that I used to know.

Now all I have to do is wait.

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I’m just a curbside prophet, and I’m single again. HAHAHA

Braaaaaaiiinnss!

The past days– or whatever, I lost track of time — happened like a blur. Things have changed since I last posted in here. It was as if my life went into a major overhaul without me noticing it, until now. I look dead and lifeless, my brain is stressed out, and I have lost all sense of control. And that’s because I live in a cycle now just like a zombie.

  1. Wake up at 7am.
  2. Do my SP 7 hrs straight. (My college thesis)
  3. Quick shower.
  4. School. (To present updates to my beloved please read though the sarcasm, help me! thesis adviser)
  5. Relax a bit. Chill, dinner, whatever.
  6. Get back home.
  7. Slack a bit, watch a tv episode maybe.
  8. Attempt to be productive, like do my sp.
  9. Actually do my SP 5hrs straight.
  10. Sleep for 2-3 hours.
  11. Repeat cycle.

I have always believed in zombie apocalypses, and I was always hoping I would be one of the survivors but here I am becoming one of the first people who has become a zombie. Help, I am turning into one. But why am I allowing myself to be one? Oh right, graduation. Which actually terrifies me contrary to popular belief. And that’s another issue.

So just let me just succumb to living life in a cycle– predictable, dull and boring actually, help me and get me out of here. Or maybe this is just the life that’s really ahead of me.

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I am the curbside prophet. I am a programmer and I have no life.

This Is So Awkward


Today was definitely not one of my days.

I started the day with a mild hangover. Did a quick fix and I thought I was gonna be okay for the rest of the day. At least that’s what I thought. I checked my phone for whatever shenanigans I pulled the night before. Apologized for being too clingy to someone and deleted a tweet that was way out of line. And I did not expect that all those things will come and bite me back in my ass later this day.

All through out the day that tweet placed in the most awkward situations equivalent to another man’s life’s worth of awkwardness.  People were not supposed to read that. It was the alcohol tweeting. Heck, it was still me. The alcohol gave me enough courage to hit the send button. I didn’t even care what repercussions would happen if I did that. Now what did it get me?

And the texts, oh yes. Friends have been too pun-ny about it. And yes, I did the “pretending I was not listening while I’m in the phone doing practically nothing acting like I did not hear a word they said” when they mention something about it. I’m just saying, those texts were overly sensationalized it shouldn’t even be a big deal. Drunk texts. Doh.

I was absolutely bothered the whole day. I never expected the repercussions to hit this hard. I just wanted to be someone else, fit into some strangers shoe and forget about the life I currently have. The awkwardness I felt was beyond boundaries. The worries I have that the story that is out there might be misinterpreted and things get awkward-er are worries that scream so much about uncertainties.

Listen kids, alcohol does give you enough courage to do the things you can’t do when you are sober. It usually resolves things, but in my case it made things even more complicated. I have been very careful as how I interact with the people making sure that they won;t get a clue why I did what. And things like that.

But now that alcohol has allowed a couple of people privy of my real intentions, it gets tougher. Thinking of how I should act socially reminding myself to not let the situation be awkward not just for me, but for the people around me as well uses up more neurons. It’s tougher now.

I have caused so much chaos and confusion already, let alone more awkward situations. And yes, the excessive use of the word awkward in this post does not compare to how awkward I really feel right now. So let me just apologize to all the people that are also stuck in the awkward situation that I made, please let’s not talk about the elephant in the room and just go on with how life should be.

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I’m just a curbside prophet, with my hands on my pocket, pretending I’m a different someone.

City Etiquette

When you decide to hit the big cities, expect that things will be quite different than what things are in your regular city. I did expect things differently, and I guess I overestimated what the city brings. Yes, it was crowded, very tall buildings, LRTs and MRTs, very long and congested highways, malls everywhere, extremely busy people who walk with a faster pace and all the likes. I expected all those, and I guess I expected too much. But my point is, how do you really adjust to the city living?

1. Trust no one. 

In a big city, you only have yourself to trust, or at least your companions. Everyone else is working at their own pace, time is always at their tails. As one of my companions have observed, they look like they are always running. The point is, time is not something they cannot waste as it is the fuel that makes the big cities tick. You can’t trust these people because this is a world of survival, only the fittest survive. Because if you can’t cope with the pace, the city will eat you out alive.

2. Get hydrated.

In your attempts at catching up with their pace, make sure that you have enough energy to get you going. People are wired relatively different in the cities. They make sure that they make it out alive at the end of the day, and also ready to survive yet another day.

3. Adjust with the culture.

Try your best to cope with the people around you. Usually, language is the barrier. That is why, it is best if you travel alone so that you are forced to adjust to how people are in the place you are at. Because if you travel by bulk, you would just feel like you are walking on the same ground. Observe how people do it.

4. Dare to stand out.

Don’t focus too much on adjusting that you are losing your sense of identity. Always be yourself. Don’t hesitate asking questions from strangers. HAHAHA

At least try following these tips because really, people will try to take advantage and fool you if you look too naive and trusting for a big city.

And really, I am not supposed to be here now, I should be reviewing or sleeping for tomorrow’s competition.. So I’m just gonna end this post hanging.

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I’m the curbside prophet, and I’m looking for my rocket.

I’m Done

Life is unfair for all of us. And every now and then, a handful of people bitch about it. As I do, I whine like a spoiled brat. This one’s no different. Here’s another foul shout out to life: YOU SUCK!

Why do I constantly blame life for the mishaps and shit that come my way when in fact I know I am the one living in my choices and their consequences? I’m done. I’m really tired of the charades I’m playing. I can’t fool myself anymore thinking that everyday is another chance for me to make it right. It’s never was okay.

Being spontaneous? I’m done. Being fun-loving and outgoing? I’m done. Being optimistic that somehow ‘pbbt’ will eventually come and somehow change my perspectives? I’m done. Being so trusting with the people I surround myself with just to make myself vulnerable? I’m done.

They say, you gotta roll with the punches. But heck, why would I do that when I can just avoid the punches. Coward you say? At least I’m somewhere on another corner feeling bad about myself, but at least I am safe. Maybe it really is time to dissociate myself from the iconic Man of Steel. I’m nothing like that guy, we don’t even have something in common. He’s the good guy, I’m not. He’s the hero everyone looks up to, I’m not. All I am is ambitious.

I say to myself, “You were right all along. You’re better off alone”. Being out there is scary. People think they know you but they don’t. Damn I made sure to build this walls around me so no people can break my wall and me down. The worst things in life come free to us. One of the worsts.

I’m done with all the shit life is bringing. I’m done with all these shenanigans. I’m sooo fed up.

Guess what, I’m gonna be decisive now. I’m gonna be darker now. I’m gonna kill it this time. Because I know, I’m just..

 

..a hopeless case.

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I’m just a curbside prophet, and I’m done. I’m getting my rocket!

 

That Long Overdue Sinulog Post

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I have been very obnoxious about having a dragging 2013, and I did nothing to fix it. Maybe all I need is a kick in the nuts to wake me up to my senses. Exactly a week ago, I was out in the streets wandering with friends not fully aware of what is around me because I was a little bit intoxicated. It felt good being alive!

What I did the entire weekend last week is something that shouldn’t be written in my own records of history books just to be immortalized, it will be lived. Everything was on its right place: the missed fluvial parade, the henna tattoos I don’t enjoy, the hecks of a walk, the nerve-thrashing perya rides, the mood killing traffic jam, the stellar fireworks show, the intimate closeness with the Sinulog crowd and the billion dollar idea that smashed the weekend– WORKING SHOTS.

I would not want to drag this post as well. I also would not want to detail how I wasted my weekend, because that is how it is immortalized.

Sleep and other important academic stuff were compromised and I did not mind. I had a blast! I learned the art of sneaking in, that thing is for sure.  But at the end of it all, I got what I wanted.

A jump-started 2013.

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I’m the curbside prophet, my rocket was not found somewhere in the streets during Sinulog.

I Cursed in Class

this is not my high school

Earlier today, in our Oral Communications class, we  were spared a few minutes to recall an experience in the past that may have greatly affected who we are in the present. And in an instant, I remember the thorns of high school. I remember exactly how I felt about high school. Still the same. Very much the same. HORRIBLE.

If I were to speak up straight in class, I just might again fall back in a downward spiral reverting back into a nefarious black hole just to cover up that feeling of disgust and self-hatred. So instead I opened up my blog on my phone and looked up the post that expressed my sheer disgust for my high school: That Hellhole Called High School.

The AC was right beside me blowing cold puffs of air while I sweat like I was in the middle of the desert. I was trying to keep my calm and poise. Every word I read out loud still hits me to the bones. My hands are trembling, I can’t even scroll down properly. My voice is dying down, my throat is drying up. I did not make eye contact because I don’t wanna see how I was perceived at the moment. I was very vulnerable.

I was holding out fine until I got on the last line where I used a curse word. I was too carried away for my bleeping skills to do its job. I was a second too late. I said the F-word in class. Fck, my teacher was listening to every word I said and clearly she heard the last one.

Indeed, high school was that painful. And I’m still very bitter about it. I’ll always look fine, but I’ll never be fine. I hate how I was stupid enough to get some balls reading a very personal article I wrote. I hate how I fool myself into thinking I will be alright. And I also hate the fact that this is going nowhere.

There, it’s out in the open. It’s always been there. I will forever be hateful with things around me. Nothing to lose. I’m fine because this has been the norm for a period of time already. I am fine. I am.

But who am I kidding?

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I’m just a curbside prophet, with my hands in my pocket and I hate that rocket!

2012: The Year That Is, Was and Will Be

2012

I was supposed to create a very comprehensive year-ender blog post, but to no avail, I can’t seem to make out the entirety of the year that’s about to close in. Maybe because I was not sober the whole year, just kidding. Maybe I’m just not really attentive with details of the past, I can’t recollect it properly. Or maybe it’s just because it was not really a memorable or a stand out year after all. I hope it isn’t the latter because I really don’t know why.

To be fairly honest, there is nothing big about a transition from a year to another. So why the hell would I sum up the year that was when in fact it is just a year that’s passing by? Maybe because a new year defines the beginning of a new set of mistakes, and hell I should be learning from the mistakes that I did this year?

So how was my 2012 like?

January. The only standout memory I could make from this month was the Sinulog Celebration. I was like a freakin’ animal released into the wild. From 3am of Saturday to 2am of Monday, I was out there enjoying the festivities. Oh, it was a great January! I hope I get to do an awful more fun on the next Sinulog.

january

Hey, it’s the old blog banner!

February. Hm, birthday? Meh, I’m never the birthday person. I don;t make a big deal out of it and I intend to keep it that way. But February is for the College Prom, my first prom ever. The theme was Oscars night, but to be honest, the theme really did not matter to me because whatever it would have been, I would still have gone as Superman. Just because.

february

It’s a bird!

March. It was a pretty much a haggard month, thanks to a very meticulous professor, Ms. Pauline Wade. I did not hate her because she was too demanding, in fact I learned a looot from her. And if given another chance to enroll in her class, I would do so. Just not during 4th year because I’m doing(?) my thesis.

April. I got an internship from Greater Heights. Yes, the first weeks were fun. Learned a couple of stuff, felt what it was to work on a company, being demanded by a handful of jobs with tight deadlines by your boss, blah blah blah. It was fun, but the fun lasted not for long. It went from light and fun to horrible and crazy in just a few weeks. But I just kept everything to myself because if I ranted about it back then, I would have been toast. Also, I started this blog on this month. So here’s a shoutout to the first post I made in this blog.

May. The internship continues and the mask-wearing has been a stretch. Not only were we, the interns not given a compensation package by the company, they also demanded work to be brought home because they are a few people short. Every time I log in to the biometrics of the office door, I put on that phony smile to show that I’m still enjoying the job, but HAHAHAHAHAHA.

June. So my 4th academic year in college has begun. June was a bit of a drag. Meh.

July. We got “fired” from the job we got after being absorbed in the company that we had our internship. It was bittersweet. I don’t wanna talk about it. I learned a lot from that experience, but it really is not worth recalling.

From the first payday!

From the first payday!

August. Officially a registered voter! Then all the adventures and mishaps with friends went consecutive. It was as if almost every day was an opportunity for us to live the day like it’s our last one. Chilling in here, boozing in there, party somewhere, and get banned in a lot of places. No regrets at all.

Registered voter!

Registered voter!

September. I started to play MMORPG again. There were those sleepless nights just to get your character’s level up high. The adrenaline of playing RPG games is really different. But then I stopped because I have better priorities. Also, September marks the FALL TV SEASON. Ahh, nirvana! Lot’s of new shows and other returning shows. I will never get tired with this.

FLYFF

FLYFF

October. More adventures my wasted and moist friends. Late October, I will never forget the “Parkmall Incident”. HAHAHA, this by far tops my 2012. I’m not spilling the details because it would not be as golden as it is now if a lot of people knew about it.

November. I joined Cebu Blog Camp. And while it was not what I expected it to be, I got what I wanted from the experience. That is, to get the momentum of blogging more frequently. And I got to meet new and fun companies. Hello, Team Tendeng!

December. I realized I hated high school. I was sober only about half the month. I hated Christmas Parties. I got ready for the assumed “End of the World”. And the best of them all, the MCDV party (which again, I was not sober). HAHA

The hungover

The hungover

Just when I thought the year was just a year that will be buried in history. Turns out, there are a couple of things that stood out and are worth remembering and should be written in biography in case I become rich, famous and successful. I am thankful of the year that has been. I have learned from the mistakes that I have done this year. I will keep the memories worth keeping. After all, 2012 is not just a year that’s just passing by, which I thought was. Cheers, to the year that is, was and will be!

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I’m still the curbside prophet with my hands in my pocket and I’m waiting for 2013 to come.