Stepping out of the Shadow

Just a shadow

My entire life is built on a shadow cast back when I was younger; that I am this and that. My parents are academic achievers, so should I. They were responsible at a very young age, so should I. I was overshadowed by all their frustrations that they want me to be what they wanted to be back when they were younger. All of my life, I’ve been living with this shadow overhead. Continue reading

What am I doing with my life?

FOREWORD: This isn’t gloating. This is yet again, another senseless blabbering.

Around a week ago I was sleep deprived, yet I was just in bed trying to get myself to sleep. I forced my eyes closed, yet my thoughts wandered around my infinite pool of thoughts. I was forcing myself to slumber because I had to get up early for freakin’ Monday because it would be my first day at work. Continue reading

The Fine Line Between Sanity and Insanity

You don’t have to read this. Back off.

I genuinely cannot distinguish something that’s absurdly insane from something that’s just sane. The past months, I have been moon-walking back and forth these two territories and most of the time I’m somewhere in between. I’m not so sure if that is a good thing or not.

Who is to judge what is sane and what’s not? I believe, or at least I did at some points, that what we believe as the crazy man is the sane one; he doesn’t care about the world, he’s got no problems, he thinks he’s fine. Of course they do live in a microscope, but do they even give a damn about it? That’s how I wish I was sane enough to realize this early on.

People are too consumed by the world and its wonders creating rules and standards for everything there is. I do admit rules keeps us away from chaos, but it does make us predictable and stale. The magic is gone, we are robots. And that is insane.

Most people would hear me say that I’m currently tiptoe-ing on that fine line between sanity and insanity. What’s keeping me from crossing over? What’s there to be afraid of? I wish to be crazy but. I could not go on because of the infinite buts there is. Again, what’s keeping me from doing what I really want.

And I call myself a renegade? Pssh. What a coward.

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I’m the curbside prophet and I’m crazy demmit.

p.s. I’m just doing this random, senseless, i dunno post just to divert myself with some other pressing issue.

*Pats Self on the Back*

Sumablay rin ako.

Sumablay rin ako.

I have not seen the official list yet, but here I am doing what I do best– getting ahead of anything that’s about to happen. Here’s the news: I AM FINALLY GRADUATING COLLEGE THIS MONTH!

Looking back to the four years I’ve had in college, I initially thought I was really gonna come out victorious. But what I did not expect was that victory would never come easy. Cliche as it maybe, being a UP student is like a stroll in the park– Jurassic Park. I had extreme highs and lows as a college student. I’ve had my fair share of sleepless nights, horrible professors, great parties, out of this world exams and all other average college students have experienced. But one thing’s for sure, I seriously don’t know how I survived college. With that, I give myself a pat on the back.

Who I was four years back is not the same person I am now. My university has changed the way I view things in perspective. At least that is something I will forever owe UP. If  my four-years-ago self would see me now, I’m not sure he would have expected me to be like this but I hope he would be happy and proud of who I am now as a person. So another pat on the back.

College is indeed a journey. You have your sights on your destination, there are different paths to take to get to your destination, and you meet people along the way. I never expected to have met people that were contributory factors to how I have shaped myself to be. In a way, yes they do define a part of me. I never expected to fit in the ‘Say Whaat?’ clique but hey here we are planning our after-college escapades and secret trips.  Not only was I able to gain new people on my pocket but I was also able to strengthen existing bonds that I already had. (Guys, brogs nya ta ha!) These people, both old and new, were there during the wear and tear of college pressure.

I couldn’t really distinguish if I was a good or bad student because I knew I was both. I never really bothered acing exams and getting good grades in college, but somehow at the end of every other semester I magically get oh-some grades. I knew I didn’t care about those grades but at the back of my head I also knew I had to be good better because of the pressures given to me as a STEC graduate, as the eldest child, or whatever kind of pressure because I am me. The roughest 3 decades (actually just 3 weeks) of my life is the last weeks of college where the SP paranoia kicked in. And in my defense, I had an unstable adviser so I could not really tell if I was graduating or not. My point is, people were somehow supportive and positive I would do just great in my SP, but little did they know that every “Go! Clark, kaya mo yan. IKAW PA.” comforting they do sucker punches my will to keep pushing. It’s too much pressure to take that I am me and I need to excel. How fortunate of them to just know where my limits lie?

Every time I look up to the frame hanging in the wall showing that slick and handsome *wink* picture of me in a sablay, I never succeed in hiding a little smile because I knew college was fun while it lasted. I have both enjoyed and hated college. I could still pick out crazy stories that happened within the four years of college, truly nostalgic. I will not miss college, I will miss the fun I had in college. Graduation is near. I’m not sure I feel happy, excited, anxious, scared, horrified of the thought of graduating but I know I will be marching that isle bringing all the memories and wisdom I learned from UP. Sawakas, sumablay rin ako!

And to all other Iskos and Iskas who will be graduating this semester, give yourself a pat on the back, we deserve this. And to those we left behind, still give yourself a pat on the back, okay ra na (loljk) for still putting up a fight because for sure sasablay rin kayo.

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I’m the curbside prophet and laters college!

I broke up with her…

Good riddance. 

It was August of last year when I officially met her. I was ecstatic, overjoyed and excited. We had a couple of dates here and there, calls and emails just to make sure we were on the right track. Truly, we were on the right track because we went steady.I was never good with relationships, and that was an impending sign that it was gonna end sooner rather than later.

February of this year I thought I wanted to be serious with this relationship. Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. And yes, I got what I thought I wanted. Shit just got serious, she got demanding as fck. She wanted me to stay up late for a lot of nights, even pull off an all-nighter. We frequently consulted our couples counselor because it works like that. Times got rough and I honestly was ready to give up. I almost gave up. I lost my life, she got a good grip at my life, even challenging the borders of my sanity. She was a cancer in my life. I hated her, I dunno if the feeling was mutual but I couldn’t take it anymore.  I know I had my faults, but damn girl, you are too demanding. You wanted me to be early but I had other stuff to attend to. Just because I was not able to meet your schedule, doesn’t mean you have to delay me too. I had to finish it, end it, get it done and over. And yet you still did. And today I did. We broke up.

Finally, I got out of this loveless relationship. Alive!

A lot of people call her “thesis”, but in my case, I call her “SP” (short for Special Problem). That is a Computer Science student’s equivalent to a thesis. I am happy I’m done with you. No more sleepless nights, no more worrying while I’m commuting. No more bullshit. I won’t miss you, but just so you know I’m proud of you, of us. But the relationship was too painful to reminisce. Now you’ll just be somebody that I used to know.

Now all I have to do is wait.

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I’m just a curbside prophet, and I’m single again. HAHAHA

Desperate Measures

Uh.

Hey universe! I just don’t know where to call out to, and I really am desperate to do this. I have never been this uncertain and doubtful in my life. In a few days my future will begin. I’m talking about my (hopeful) graduation. I’m just not sure yet, but I know I want to, somehow. Or the thought of extension just doesn’t make sense when you have a handful of people pressuring you to graduate with flying colors.

Anyway, I’m seeking help from the universe, to at least conspire and let things fall into place. That my thesis adviser won’t do the things I’m not ready to face. That he may be cooperative in my endeavors of graduating this month.

I know I’m not asking too much, I know I can do this, if my adviser cooperates. I’m very much eager to do my part, even if it goes to the extent of amputating my limbs, I would still do it. I am dedicated to finish this.
Just please, universe, make it happen.

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I’m the curbside prophet and I’m waiting for a miracle to happen