You’re at Work, for Fuck’s Sake

Now remind yourself that, Clark. Remind yourself that you are at work and not supposed to be blogging.

I would always be that person who has a hard time connecting and building relationships with people because I am the not the nicest person you’ll meet. And yes, I won’t make much effort to be likable.

I don’t know if I’m stupid or a special kind of stupid to be expecting to find friends in here. YOU ARE AT WORK, FOR FUCK’S SAKE, you’re not in a summer camp expecting to gain a dozen of potential friends. Get of this site and work your ass off.

Friends don’t judge you and they take you as you are. The people you meet in the office are called colleagues for a reason.

###

I’m the curbside prophet and I have no choice but to suck it.

Advertisements

I Know Why I’m Single

It took me a blackout to realize why I really am single. And it will take me a lot of time and courage to organize my thoughts into this one post. So if I end up writing gibberish, boohoo. But who cares.

Why am I still single? Is it because I’m such a good student I’m not letting any woman interfere with my education? Or is it because I’m challenging myself to find that someone in the city of my dreams, New York? Or I’m just immature to carry on a relationship?

That’s when I realized I’m an emotional wreck, I’m afraid to commit, I’m afraid of the future. I am a total mess. I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I were in a relationship. And seriously, typing out the r-word makes my fingers go jelly.

Love is out of the equation. I don’t even know if I am capable to do so. And again, my fingers went jelly on that L-word. Seriously. Now my hands are cold. I do like someone, I could ask her out on a date, I just did. But what do I want from her, a relationship? I don’t know. I’m scared. I am iffy about this matter.

Where is a shrink when you needed one? They know what to do in any situation. Now my brain is empty and running out of words to say, but I know that my thoughts and worries are right there, not wanting to be exposed as they are as afraid as I am.

Behind this goofy and apathetic facade I had maintained for a couple of years now, I’m still a futile and frightened kid waiting for someone to shed some light and guide me out of life’s misery.

The Point of Uncertainty

I have reached  the point where I have no one to talk to, because I am always afraid people might judge me for the simplest things I cannot answer. This is another point in my life where a single statement from someone sinks me down somewhere near rock bottom. And while I always resurface and don’t show people that i too, have a low self-esteem, this time I am uncertain.

I really wish I have someone to talk to, someone who does not necessarily need to give me an advice or comfort me. I just need an ear to whisper all these worries away. I really wish I could spill some details, but I can’t. And I won’t. I desperately need a therapist, I seriously think so. There’s that fine line between sanity and insanity, I’ve been always on and off that line, it’s as if it were my second home. What has gotten into me? Why do I think like this? I still have a lot of questions that echo in my mind, but no one is there to answer back.

I don’t know if it hurts, but I know that does not make me feel okay for the least. Life does suck, and I constantly remind myself– life is fair. Indeed, life is. No matter what angle I see it, life is fair. But why do I deserve a life like this? Hell to the no saying it’s karma. I don’t believe in karma! Do I always have to go this low? Why? Please, answer me!!

I’m desperate. Therapist, please help me 😦

 

NOTE TO FUTURE SELF:

* If ever you’re reading this and you still feel like giving up, I still don’t know how to help you but please find a way for us. But if you’re well and good, please avoid getting into this state, you can’t handle it well.